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I Am Not a Poker Player



By: JoeStapleton @ 10:37 (EST) / 3126 / Comment ( 2 )

I am going to warn you right now, this article may come across as distasteful.  It is also, really really really funny.  You’ve been warned.
I mentioned last blog how when I was in London I played at the Fox Poker Club a few times.  Both times I played their nightly tournaments.  The first time I played until 2:30am and bubbled.  The second time?  Well, this is a story about the second time.
The first time I played at the Fox Club, there were a lot of memorable players.  Some for good reasons, mostly for bad.  There was one player who was particularly memorable – not because of anything particularly bad, but because he was a quadriplegic.  He came complete with a motorized chair (with drinkholder) and an assistant to hold up us cards for him (sounds like a brilliant poker journalist in the making).  This man was also there the second time I played, and this time he was seated at my table.
He was absolutely pwning souls.  Just making the most ridiculous hands.  Not too long into the night, he made four Jacks.  Now, at the Fox Poker Club – there is a high hand prize.  Before you get all excited, realize there is a reason I just used the word “prize” rather than “jackpot.”  The “prize,” if you could even call it that, is a Fox Poker Club Deck of cards.  And not only is the prize “shite” as they might say in Foggy-Londontown, but they make you use BOTH cards in your hand.  I mean, come on!
So, as I said, this fellow happens to make four jacks.  Otherwise known as….”Quads.”  And what did I say this man was?  A quadriplegic. I cannot be the only person who finds the humor in this.  I’m not saying I was laughing.  Yet.  But I can certainly see the humor.  Sorry.  Humour.  Please.  Allow me to skip the part of the process where I have to say “I mean no offense.  Some of my really good friends are quads.”
Please allow me to script what happened next.  The author of each quote doesn’t really matter:
“Quads on one!”
“Yep, quads.”
“Quads over here.”
“Who had quads?”
“That guy.  Quads.  Right over there.”
“Which guy?”
“That guy.  Quads.”
This entire time, I’m looking around the table to see if anyone else thinks it’s funny.  They don’t.  Then they have the nerve to ask the dude if he used both cards from his hand.  This brought about more questions, and the use of the word “Quads” at least ten more times.
A former girlfriend of mine dated a quadriplegic before she dated me.  According to her, they called him “Quads” as well.  That didn’t help.
Whatever.  I can be mature about this.  Sure, I can see the humor in it, but no…I would not laugh.  And I didn’t.  Not until the guy who lost the hand looked down at his chip stack, sighed, and said “I’m crippled.”  Straw: meet camel’s back.  I immediately had to excuse myself from the table.
For anyone out there who’s made at me right now, don’t worry,  get my comeuppance.  This particular poker tournament paid 6 players, and I went bust-o in 8th place – to that very same man.
Long story short – he defiantly called my UTG raise on the button.  I held KsTs.  On a board of T-7-4, I checked top pair. Mistake number one.  He checked behind.  When I made trips on the turn, I checked again (master trapper!) Mistake number two.  When the 5 hit the river, I decided to look as bored as possible, wave my hands and say “All In.”  The “I guess” was implied. Mistake number three. 
He snap called and showed 68 for a rivered straight.  Misplayed the hand royally, bubbled again, and got a fairly discernible wakeup call from Old Lady Karma.  I was so embarrassed.  Embarrassed for how badly I played, the hand, and embarrassed that not only was I trying to rope-a-dope the “guy in the wheelchair” but that I had failed so miserably at it.
The worst part: my parting words.  Busting out of a poker tournament is awkward enough, especially in manner in which I just imploded, but saying this somehow put the awkward icing on the awkward cake:
“I hope you win this thing, man.  This is your day.”
Previous Bankroll: $200 – Current Bankroll: $100 – Net Profit/Loss: $100 LOSS

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