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Humor for all

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Humor for all - Fri Jan 03, 2003, 11:24 AM
(#1)
Deleted user
These are pretty lame. They are so bad, I thought they were hilarious! If youve gotten this far, you have to read to the end:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?"

they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.
 
Old
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Fri Jan 03, 2003, 11:52 AM
(#2)
Deleted user
there were drunk 4 guys at a table in a comedy club watching this show:


"BOOOOO"

"GET HIM OF THE STAGE"

"GIVE HIM THE HOOK"

"KILL HIM"
 
Old
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Fri Jan 03, 2003, 01:52 PM
(#3)
Deleted user
Reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs....


I once had two girls at a time .........Kate and Edith both were mine!
I learned that what they say is true ......you cant have Kate and Edith too!
 
Old
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Fri Jan 03, 2003, 02:12 PM
(#4)
Deleted user
a man walks into a butchers shop and says
"can i have a pound of bacon please"
the butcher says "lean back?"
the man leans back and says "can i have a pound of bacon please?"
hope that confuses u
 
Old
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Fri Jan 03, 2003, 03:57 PM
(#5)
Deleted user
Those are (sadly) my favorite kind of jokes.

Two peanuts were walking through the park, one was assa[u]lted.

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "you have a drink named Bob?"

A termite walked into a bar and asked, "is the bar tender here?"

What did the Bhuddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

A panda bear comes into a restaurant and orders a meal. After finishing he suddenly pulls out a gun and starts blasting the place. He then heads for the door. The bartender (a survivor) says, "what on earth did you do that for?" The bear replies, "I'm a panda, look it up." The bartended looks under panda in the dictionary. Panda bear - mammal native to Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.


--Greagar
 
Old
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Fri Jan 03, 2003, 04:28 PM
(#6)
Deleted user
a man goes to the doctor's and says
" doctor doctor i think im a dog"
doc " lie on the couch"
man "im not allowed on the couch"
 
Old
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Fri Jan 03, 2003, 07:04 PM
(#7)
Deleted user
Zipman, I liked no. 10 very funny





Man walks into a butchers....

Butcher......."I bet you can't reach that meat right up at the top there.."

Man......."I'm not gonna bet..."

Butcher..." Why? "

Man." The steaks are too high..."




Thankyou
I'm here all week
Try the Veal
 
Old
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Fri Jan 03, 2003, 07:46 PM
(#8)
Deleted user
father, mother, and the kid tomato were walking down the street,
the father yells to his son....KETCHUP!!!!!!!!!

Vega$
 
Old
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Sat Jan 04, 2003, 12:15 AM
(#9)
Deleted user
Thanks for the laughs Zipman!
 
Old
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Sat Jan 04, 2003, 02:41 AM
(#10)
Deleted user
two owls in a bar, one says "wanna shoot some pool" the other replies "i dont know how to play"..."dont worry ill show you" the other owl says...
so after breifly explaining the rules of 8 ball pool...they break off.
on his first shot , the beginner pots the white ball and his friend says
"thats 2 hits to me"....the other retorts "two hits to who".......
 
Old
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Sat Jan 04, 2003, 09:13 AM
(#11)
DBartlett's Avatar
Since: Jun 2010
Posts: 233
WhiteStar
A raccoon, a squirrel and a possum are sitting around one day discussig their favorite way to cross a busy street.
The raccoon says, "I look both ways and then run like hell, and I make it to the other side."
The squirrel says, "I run out blindly, then zig zag back and forth to throw the cars off kilter, and I make it to the other side."
The possum says, "You mean we're SUPPOSED to make it to the other side?"

Have you driven in the South? Then you get the joke.


-Bart M.
 
Old
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Sat Jan 04, 2003, 10:48 AM
(#12)
Deleted user
The way I see it, if the title says humour and

the author is zipman, you have been forewarned.



Mike W.
 
Old
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Sat Jan 04, 2003, 09:29 PM
(#13)
Deleted user
Three Native American women are sitting around outside in the campground. One of them is one the skin of a hippopotamus. She weighs 140 pounds. The other women are on skins of different animals, they each have one son. Each son weighs 70 pounds.

This proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

I apologize to the non-math people who may not understand this.
I apologize even more strongly to those math people who may understand this.

Alden Chase (tyro)
 
Old
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Sun Jan 05, 2003, 12:00 AM
(#14)
Deleted user
A rary bird is discovered comatose and assumed dead,.

Since the rary bird is one of the largest creatures walking

the earth, authorities could not decide how to dispose of it.

Someone suggested pushing the rary off in an isolated corner

of the Grand Canyon. As the great bird was just on the verge

of going over the side, it regained consciousness, sat up,

looked around and exclaimed, "say, isn't that a long way to

tip a rary."

Mike W. (trying to emulate zipman)
 
Old
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Sun Jan 05, 2003, 01:36 AM
(#15)
Deleted user
Quote:
father, mother, and the kid tomato were walking down the street,
the father yells to his son....KETCHUP!!!!!!!!!

I heard the father went back and stepped on him and said catch-up

I got a real funny one:

Zipman looked in the mirror--- I know u all forgot to laugh it was so funny
 
Old
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Sun Jan 05, 2003, 01:57 AM
(#16)
Deleted user
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
Mike W. (trying to emulate zipman)
Not a chance...... :lol:
 
Old
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Sun Jan 05, 2003, 09:27 AM
(#17)
Deleted user
I have no life, I read everyone of these.

Rg
 

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