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A laugh a minute?

Old
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A laugh a minute? - Fri Jan 17, 2003, 08:13 AM
(#1)
Deleted user
With all the noise concerning the new version (which looks good to me, but there again, I haven't suffered from any problems with it either) I hope this offering provides some light relief.

SO, WILL THE REAL DUMMY STAND UP, PLEASE?

1) AT&T fired President John Walter after 9 months saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. And he lacked "intellectual leadership"?

2) Police in Oakland, California spent two hours trying to subdue a gunman who'd barricaded himself in his home. After firing two cylinders of tear gas and threatening to force an entry the officers were informed by a neighbour that one of the men in their line yelling "Come on out and give yourself up" was the suspected gunman!

3) An Illinois man pretending to be armed with a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different ATM's where he withdrew money from his own account!

4) During a robbery line-up in Los Angeles the suspect blurted out "that's not what I said" when each man in the line up was asked to repeat the words "Give me the money or I'll shoot"

5) A man dialled 911 and told the operator that his pregnant wife was having contractions every two minutes. "Is this the first child?" he was asked. "No", the man shouted, "this is her husband".

6) In Modesto, California, a man was arrested for trying to hold up the Bank of South America with a replica firearm. He used his thumb and forefinger to simulate a gun but unfortunately forgot to keep his hand in his pocket........(helllllooooo!)

7) After purchasing a new boat, some folks were having trouble with its performance when they launched it on Lake Isabella in Florida. No matter how they tried and how much throttle was applied the boats performance in every department could only be described as pitiful. After several hours of trying to make it work they putted slowly to a nearby marina and asked for an engineer to check the boat over. A thorough topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order, the engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down and the propellor was the right size and pitch. Finally, the engineer decided to look underneath the boat and dived in to check it out. After a couple of minutes he surfaced, choking with laughter, swam to the shore and told the folks.............

NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.........

That to improve performance all they had to do was release the boat from the trailer which was still strapped securely to the underneath of the boat!


Now on to some small bites - The following have since time immemorial, been acknowldged to be universal truths.

1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine

2) At the end of every good party there's a fat girl crying somewhere

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub/bar is when your pint-to-toilet ratio becomes synchronised with a complete stranger

4) Reading when your drunk not only makes you feel sick bit induces a sever case of pismronunciation

5) Sharpening a pencil with a knife only results in a stub with a still-broken lead

6) No-one dare make cup-a-soup in a bowl

7) You can't eat an apple and look at someone at the same time

8) The most embarrassing to happen to you as a small child is when you called the teacher mom or dad

9) It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat

10) Checking the borders of your yard/garden will always produce a half-eaten tennis ball

11) You always feel scared when stroking a horse

12) Old women with mobile phones just look wrong

13) Every man at some time has flushed a toilet half way through a p1ss and then raced against the flush

14) The ratio of men to women on crutches seems about 1000 to 1

15) It's impossible to look cool if the wind blows your hair upwards

16) Old ladies eat surprisingly large amounts of food

17) No-one respects a man carrying a small dog

18) Depsite the warnings you've never met anyone who's had their arm broken by a swan

19) The most painful household incident is not wearing any shoes and stepping on an upturned plug

20) Everone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose

21) It's impossible to wrap the fingers of one hand round two bricks and carry them

22) Every plate of fries has a bad one in them

and finally..............

23) We automatically know that we should never eat yellow snow
 
Old
Default
Fri Jan 17, 2003, 09:19 AM
(#2)
Deleted user
ROFLMAO!!!!

You are a MAD MAN!

Bob 8)
 
Old
Default
Fri Jan 17, 2003, 09:42 AM
(#3)
Deleted user
toooooooooo funny
 
Old
Default
Fri Jan 17, 2003, 11:21 PM
(#4)
Deleted user
a guy walks into a video store to return his dvd's (already 2 weeks late) and rent new ones.

as he walks in the door the phone rings and the person on the other line says "sir, you forgot to return one of your movie's"

"nonsence i just returned it" he replies as he opens the dvd player.

"sorry sure but the disk is missing"

and what is in the dvd player?

stupid me, i never put the disk in in the case.

i mean stupid person he forgot to put the disk in the case
 
Old
Default
Sat Jan 18, 2003, 12:22 PM
(#5)
Deleted user
" After purchasing a new boat, some folks were having trouble with its performance when they launched it on Lake Isabella in Florida. "

:wink: In the "just for the record" department Lake Isabella is located in California. Which will make most boating Floridians rest easier I'm sure. :lol:
 

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